Girlhood Page 9

Merisena

  13 years old

  Cité Soleil, Haiti

  What do you like doing for fun?

  Sometimes, if there is electricity, we take a little time to watch TV with the family.

  What do you like to do after school?

  I always finish studying at 4 p.m. After, there are days that I train in chess, days I train in volleyball, and days I train in soccer. I’m doing pretty well in all these disciplines.

  Tell us about your family.

  I live in a family of 11 members, my mother and my father and 9 children, 4 boys and 5 girls. I am the fourth child. My mother sells candles. My father sells brooms, and he has to walk around several kilometers every day with the brooms so he can get home with a little money.

  In a house often caught in the midst of gunfire and gang violence, in one of the poorest neighborhoods in the poorest country in the Western Hemisphere,75 lives a thirteen-year-old chess champion.

  Meet Merisena.

  She lives in Cité Soleil (which means Sun City in English), a neighborhood in Port au Prince, Haiti, with her four brothers, four sisters, and parents. She’s grown up in a country that’s made headlines around the world in her lifetime for a

  series of horrors—more than 60 percent of Haiti’s population lives in poverty,76 and in 2010 the country was devastated by a catastrophic earthquake. The disaster left more than 200,000 people dead and 1.5 million people without homes.77 It was followed by a cholera epidemic that killed about 10,000 people.78

  Merisena’s diary entries give us a small peak into what daily life, and daily challenges, look like in Cité Soleil. She writes about her family not being able to afford more than one meal a day, power cuts (this year, long blackouts have become common, and as of May 2019, a few months after Merisena wrote her diary entries, much of Haiti was getting only about three hours of electricity a day79), and the “civil war”—what she calls the ongoing gang violence in her neighborhood. The month she was writing the diary entries she shared with us, gunfire regularly echoed through the streets around her home.

  But Merisena’s life isn’t just her circumstances, isn’t just the poverty and violence she’s growing up in. She trains in chess most days after school and competes in tournaments. She has big dreams for the future—she studies hard to make her parents proud, and so that she can do more when she grows up.

  “I never stop thinking about my dream of becoming a nurse to help my family and take care of people in the community,” she says. ◊

  Because of ongoing violence in Cité Soleil, Merisena can’t always leave home during the day for safety reasons.

  “She would listen to all the gunshots and sometimes it would be really hard for her to go to school because to cross the street, you could be in the middle of gunfire without knowing,” explains Daniel Tillias, co-founder of Sakala, which is a youth community center and organization that supports the development of children, including Merisena, in Cité Soleil.

  Growing up in a neighborhood known for gang violence doesn’t just affect safety, it also affects how the rest of the world views you.

  “The neighborhood is quite stigmatized,” says Tillias. “And people are scared that if you are a girl from Cité Soleil it means that you are something wrong—you must be involved in stealing, you must be involved in any kind of bad behavior that creates this mistrust towards you.”

  Merisena struggles with this, too. Even though she’s a chess champion who competes across the country, she finds that people still make assumptions about her. “I don’t like the neighborhood where I live, because when you tell someone that you live in Cité Soleil, he discriminates against you, he doesn’t look at you like a person,” she explains.

  This is very common, according to Tillias. “That’s one thing that slows [girls from the neighborhood] in their progress, because they’re not well accepted outside of the community, they’re not well-received . . . you’re from Cité Soleil, that’s very common, people expect you’re either the girlfriend of a gangster or you’re a gangster yourself,” he says. ◊

  Translated from Creole

  Every day I get up at 5 a.m. to get ready to go to school and help with some work at home. I leave school at noon, I take a little break after to help my mother with some work, and after that I go to study in Sakala, an organization in the area that supports children and young people. I always finish studying at 4 p.m., and after that I have to train in chess or soccer.

  I go back home at 6 p.m. At this time if there is electricity I watch TV, we share jokes between us, or we play. My family doesn’t have much money: sometimes we eat once a day, rarely we eat twice a day.

  My mother sells candles. She can spend several days before making a profit of $1 and 10 cents. My father sells brooms. He has to walk several kilometers every day with the brooms so that he can get home with a little money.

  My father goes out at 7 a.m. to sell in the four corners of the country. It’s only when my father returns in the afternoon that my mother will cook for us to eat.

  I don’t live in a rich family, but I love my family so much because my mother and my father make a lot of effort for us and often they make us sit down to explain to us how we should behave in society.

  Sometimes I don’t feel good because of the insecurity that there is in the country. There are days when my father goes out, I pray to God to protect him because I know the situation of the country.

  The area where we live is Cité Soleil. Often there is shooting: sometimes children can’t go to school, hospitals can’t work, people are forced to stay at home because of the civil war.

  I feel very bad when I live these bad moments; sometimes I cry.

  In the neighborhood, many children can’t go to school because their parents don’t have money. My mom and my dad made a lot of sacrifices for me to send me to school. Even though my school is not expensive, sometimes it happens that I am sent back from school for nonpayment of school fees.

  I strive to work well at school to get good grades, because of all the efforts my parents make for me.

  I have some friends with whom I usually speak. Sometimes we share our dreams, but sometimes we have problems talking because the civil war in the area prevents us from meeting.

  I don’t like the neighborhood where I live, because when you tell someone that you live in Cité Soleil, he discriminates against you, he doesn’t look at you like a person.

  Despite the difficult situations, I fight to become a nurse so that my mother and father will be proud of me, and to help them too.

  * * *

  I often take a little time to think when I’m at home, especially when there is shooting in the area when the gangs clash with each other, which means people can’t go to their activities, schools, hospitals, can’t work. My father goes out every day to fetch food for the house; and there’s no need to tell you that when there is disorder in the streets, it’s very hard for the family to eat. I think about it when I’m at school, also when I’m in Sakala, but I think about it more when I’m at home.

  Whenever I think about these things, I have problems. I wonder why I couldn’t live in another country, why my family could not have money, especially when we are hungry and when there is civil war in the area. So I think I need to work more at school so that I can become a nurse so that I can help my family and the community. I often ask God to let me leave the area because there is too much violence and I watch many other girls in the neighborhood fall into bad acts.

  Although I am growing up in an area where there is a lot of violence, although I am in a family where there is no money, an area where most girls get pregnant or fall into bad acts, and when you tell someone that you live in this area, you are subject to all bad things, they humiliate you. Despite all these things, I never stop thinking that one day I can raise my family and my community too.

  Thank you to Sakala
for connecting me with Merisena.

  Miriam

  16 years old

  Sundsvall, Sweden

  What instruments do you play?

  My main instruments are percussion as well as guitar. That includes not only regular drum set playing, but classical percussion such as marimba, tambourine, and snare drum, too.

  Do you play any other instruments?

  I can also play a bit of piano, bass guitar, ukulele, melodica, and violin, but I don’t consider myself a pianist, etc.

  What kinds of music do you play?

  At school we usually play classical pieces for percussion ensemble, symphony orchestra, or just solo pieces. In the band I’m in back in Sundsvall, we play My Chemical Romance–type music, but what I’ve written on my own is mostly solo pieces for guitar or vibraphone.

  “I don’t like to be known for just one part of me,” says Miriam. “For example, my liking people regardless of gender or playing instruments. It feels like it hollows out everything else that I do, like that one thing is all that I do.”

  Miriam lives in a city in northern Sweden with her parents, Annika and Kenneth, her sister, Alva, and their dog, Tyson. She shared diary entries from 2018 for the “Girlhood Around the World” series that originally ran in The Lily. I’ve included some of those entries, as well as entries she shared from 2019. In 2018, she was applying to certified music schools for the final years of high school, after attending the school in her hometown of Sundsvall for nine years. In 2019, she wrote from her new school in Falun, to which she had applied and where she was accepted into the music conservatory.

  These certified music schools are highly specialized, and admission is very competitive. “This sets a very high standard on the musical level of the students, whereas regular programs are open to anyone, even people who haven’t played an instrument before,” Miriam says. “There is also a lot of free time during the school day to make time for practice, and the special programs also have some courses that regular music programs don’t.” ◊

  Miriam is growing up in a country that claims to have the world’s first “feminist government” and ranks third on the United Nations’ Gender Inequality Index, making it one of the most advanced countries in the world for women’s empowerment and economic status.80 When it comes to LGBTQ rights, Sweden is ranked fourth out of 49 countries in Europe by ILGA-Europe.81 But even though Sweden is one of the most accepting countries of LGBTQ rights, a 2019 report on LGBTQ youth in Sweden found that LGBTQ people report poorer health, have increased risk of mental health problems, and still can face hate crimes.82

  One way in which LGBTQ youth around the world deal with feeling unsafe in public spaces is by turning to virtual spaces and finding community online. More than 60 percent of LGBTQ youth have used the Internet to connect with other LGBTQ people.83 It’s a way to find people with shared identities and experiences, and to get information, explains a.t. furuya, the Gay, Lesbian & Straight Education Network’s (GLSEN) Youth Programs Manager.

  This is certainly true for Miriam. Some of the friends she mentions—Anja, Annika, and Jenny—are people she has met online: through comments on mutual friends’ Instagram posts, through shared interests online, and in Instagram communities for LGBTQ girls and women.

  “I have met a lot of friends via Instagram, which can be easier at times because you can find people with similar views or interests,” Miriam explains.

  Apps like Instagram and YouTube offer both a chance to meet similar people and to get answers without having to an ask an adult.

  “‘What does it mean, to come out?’ They can figure that out in the privacy of phones, just navigating an app, like Instagram or Tumblr or Twitter,” furuya says. “They can watch people transitioning, they can watch people coming out on YouTube, and they can figure out and process without judgment of anyone else.”

  Growing up, we’re often limited to the people we know in our towns or cities, or through our friends and families. But sometimes, a hashtag community or a YouTube channel can show us lives and stories different from those in our immediate communities. ◊

  Miriam participated in the series for The Lily and shared diary entries from autumn 2018. I have included excerpts of her diary entries from both autumn 2018 and spring 2019.

  September 18, 2018 9:30 p.m.

  I don’t think today was that bad overall. I’m almost over the cold I caught last week, I got a few minutes of extra sleep this morning, and most importantly, I had no serious dips mentally. It was just a good Tuesday. My usual Tuesday activities went well too. I learned some things during my percussion lesson and I learned how much better I’ve gotten at reading sheet music during orchestra practice.

  The most important thing that happened to me today was that I got a letter from the hospital in Umea, regarding a few appointments. I need to be diagnosed with a specific condition in order to get help with my mental health, and so as this is the first step to getting help with that, I’m really excited. I’ve waited so many months for this letter, and much, much longer before that because I was afraid to tell my parents how I felt and that I needed medical help. I cried when I saw the envelope and where it was from.

  I’m sort of stressed about an event coming up in less than two weeks. I have a gig booked Friday the 28th, and I’m going to play my own music that I’ve written for vibraphone and guitar. Only problem is, I feel like I need one or two more songs for vibraphone, and I’m not sure if I’ll be able to finish the one I have started in time, as I’ll be busy this weekend. I’m sure it’ll be fine though. Maybe I’m a bit stressed over school too.

  September 23, 2018 10:31 p.m.

  As I’m writing this, I’m on the train back from Stockholm, where I’ve been since Thursday afternoon. I’m tired and thirsty, but I still have around an hour and a half until I’m back home. I did choose the latest possible train I could take though; I wanted to have as much time as possible with my friend Ivan who lives in Stockholm, and I definitely think that’s worth losing a little bit of sleep for just one night.

  This weekend has been so tiring, but so, so fun. On Friday, I visited a school. It definitely gave me an idea of what the school’s like, but it also showed me what actually can be different from school to school. I’ve been attending the same school since I was six years old; I had absolutely no clue what another school could be like. Before the visit, my whole vision of the school was based on what my percussion teacher had told me and what the school’s website said. I was almost completely sure I wanted to go there, but now after my visit, I’m much more uncertain about everything, and I think I need to visit a few more schools before making my decision.

  I’ve developed a huge crush on a special somebody, and it’s actually driving me mad. She’s just . . . so kind. I literally can’t stop thinking about her; she’s on my mind every waking minute and it’s making it very difficult to focus on anything else. I spent a whole hour during school on Thursday thinking about her and when I arrived at Ivan’s house on Friday afternoon after the visit to the school, I cried because she’s such an angel and it makes me sad that she’ll probably never like me back because I’m a girl! I wish I could hold her hand forever but oh well, maybe some day.

  March 28, 2019 8:11 p.m.

  I’m currently on the train home from Falun, a city 4 hours by train away from home. There’s a school that I’d love to attend over there which I auditioned for today. I’ve applied for the composition program and the classical percussion program; I really hope I get in!

  Two of my online friends live close to Falun. I’d hoped to see at least one of them during the time between the end of the tests and when my train home departed, but both of them were busy, unfortunately. I’ve only met them once each before, Annika when I visited Falun last time. I went in December just to see that the school was as good as it sounded. I didn’t want to apply for a school just to see when I get there tha
t it isn’t any good just like the one in Stockholm. I met my other friend, Anja, after a concert in Stockholm. We were coincidentally both going to see Twenty One Pilots in February, so we decided to meet up after the concert. We could only talk during the short metro ride, but if I move to Falun this autumn I’ll be able to see her tons more!

  April 14, 2019 10:42 p.m.

  I have had such. A. Great. Weekend.

  Yesterday, there was this thing called UKM, or Ung Kultur Möts (Young Culture Meets) in Sundsvall. It’s this festival where anyone can sign up to do anything they want on stage, or to show off anything you’ve made in an exhibition. There’s a jury who then picks a couple of those who perform or show what they’ve made, who get to go to the regional festival, and after that, there’s a slight chance you can go to the national festival, which is in late June. I performed with my solo project Miriam Rain, where I play instrumental music for guitar and vibraphone (not at the same time though—yet). The jury enjoyed what I did, so I’m going to be one of lucky performers in Örnsköldsvik, where the regional festival is!

  Before the sound check and all the preparations for UKM, I had band rehearsal with my friend Vera for her solo project where I’m her accompanying drummer. My crush (not the same one that I wrote about a few months ago) happens to play piano in the band as well, so the rehearsals are usually what I look forward to most every week. We usually leave and all go our separate ways after rehearsals, but since both me and her were going to do things shortly after in the music school, we both brought food and had lunch together! Aaahh!! It’s impossible to not be filled to the brim with happiness when I’m around her to be honest. She’s so SWEET and amazing and just, I can’t even describe her.

  That’s not all that was great about this weekend though. My friend Jenny who lives in Umeå came down to visit me. She arrived by train 30 minutes before yesterday’s event started, and I went to the station to meet up with her. I made sure to not have to perform first, so it wouldn’t be such a hurry to get back to the venue. It was her first time seeing me perform live, and as a result I really tried to make sure she and everyone else new in the audience would get a great first experience of my music. After the event, we went home to my place and watched a movie before going to sleep.