Girlhood Read online

  Poverty, natural disasters, and conflict are some of the other reasons that families might force their teenage daughters to marry. ◊

  Some of Ruqaya’s diary entries were translated from Arabic to English, others were written in English. When I first explained the project to Ruqaya, instead of diary entries, she took to texting me at the end of each day about her day—which is why these entries might be shorter than others in the book, and her photos often look like cell phone selfies.

  May 8

  I woke up at seven in the morning. I had a whole set of tasks, and I had to go to school to bring important papers from school. I met my friends there; we are now on vacation. I have a bigger friend than me, and I have known her for five years. She told me about the story of her sister’s harassment. I told her to tell her mother but she refused because she was scared of her family because they would not believe her sister. She married at the age of 14 (I mean her sister). I was frustrated because I could not help her.

  May 9

  I woke up at 8 a.m. and arranged the house and then I studied for the exam. When I got back at 12 noon, I prayed. When I finished praying, I received a message from an old friend that she was pregnant. She is 18 years old and married when she was 15 years old. Happy because I trust that she will be able to complete her studies and pregnancy together. When it became at 5 p.m., my mother and I went to buy some necessities for the house and when I returned from the outside we attended to the food and then I washed dishes and then completed all my duties.

  May 10

  I woke up at 9 a.m. I had no work and wanted this day to rest only. I did nothing but take care of myself, rest after a very long and tiring week. I read my favorite novels and I spent the day without doing anything except comfort and played my favorite game and I read my favorite books and at 5 p.m. I went out with my brother and mother to get some fresh air and on our return we ate.

  May 15

  I woke up at 7 a.m. I arranged my room and then I had a shower. I had a date to go out with my friends to the mall. We went out at 9 a.m. We met and went out together. We arrived at the mall at 10 a.m. I was happy and I had a beautiful trip with my friends. We did some shopping for clothes and other things and I went to the library, I always get books . . . then we went to the Baghdadi Museum. We got acquainted with some of the histories of ancient Iraq, we toured a lot . . . then returned home. It was a day of pleasure, I am very tired.

  Thank you to Mercy Hands for connecting me with Ruqaya.

  Sattigul

  16 years old

  Ulaankhus, Mongolia

  Could you tell us about your eagle?

  Watching the eagle [named Akhyikh] always gives me courage and energy. He likes to eat his meals on my hand. When my father is not home, I always give him food.

  What are your favorite subjects?

  English and geography

  What are your hobbies?

  Playing chess, riding horses, and playing ball

  “I like to learn new things,” says Sattigul. “In the future I would like to be an English translator. It is my dream.”

  Sattigul lives in the mountains of western Mongolia with her family. She is one of five siblings, and her family members are nomadic herders who move with the seasons. They move four times a year: In the winter and spring, they live in the valley of the mountains. In the summer and fall, they live in the steppe, or the grassland. With every season, they can move anywhere from twenty to more than one hundred miles.

  In the summertime, her family makes their traditional ger dwellings, which are large round tents, near other herding families. Sattigul loves these months, because they have neighbors and she gets to play with other children.

  But her family passes the winter months alone. The other nomadic families also have houses in the valley, but they are far from one another. “We cannot meet our neighbors and friends. We meet our friends only during school time,” she explains.

  Since her family is nomadic, Sattigul lives in a dormitory when school is in session, as do some of her siblings. Sattigul has been living in the dormitory since she was seven years old, and she says she sometimes misses home.

  This is common, according to Lena Khazidolda, who runs Source of Steppe Nomads, an organization that provides education, health, development, and other programs for nomadic families in Mongolia.

  Eagle hunting—where eagles help hunt for small animals—is part of the nomadic lifestyle. After hunting with an eagle for a few years, the hunter lets the eagle go and live in nature wherever it wants.

  Sattigul’s father has been an eagle hunter for 25 years, and Sattigul has grown up watching and learning from him. When she asked her father why they let the eagles go, he told her that “eagles must live free and happy in nature.”

  The nomads even have a celebration before freeing the eagles. Sattigul explains: “Before letting them fly far away, all hunters have a special party and tie white cotton to the eagles’ leg, which is meant to wish them good luck.” ◊

  Sattigul’s family are nomadic herders—about one third of the population lives this traditional Mongolian lifestyle.100 They have sheep and goats, and sometimes also yaks, horses, and camels. The families earn their living from their animals’ products, such as wool, meat, and milk.

  But slowly, this lifestyle is changing. In the last thirty years, more than 600,000 former herders have migrated to Ulaanbaatar, the country’s capital.101 One of the primary reasons for this is climate change—in the last seventy years, temperatures in Mongolia have risen three times faster than the world’s average, and this has made it harder for herders and their animals to survive.

  Climate change has made winters colder and summers hotter. In 2017, Mongolia had the hottest summer in about fifty years and faced a severe drought. Additionally, part of its land has turned into a desert. There now isn’t enough grass for animals to survive the brutal winters, which are only getting harsher, as temperatures can reach 40 degrees below freezing.102 ◊

  Translated from Mongolian

  April 27, 2019

  Today is Saturday. I stayed at home. In the morning I got up at 8 a.m. and made a fire. I had breakfast.

  After that, at 8:30 a.m., I helped my parents to forage for cattle and livestock. And after that, I came back home. Then I cleaned the dirt from the home. We had lunch at 11:30 a.m. Then my mother and I cooked some handmade bread. After, I went with my mother to the river to bring ice that will melt then be used for cooking.

  I usually do both outside and inside household work. In

  the afternoon, I mostly help my dad and older brother take care

  of animals.

  April 28, 2019

  I got up at 8 a.m. this morning, and I had breakfast. After that I foraged for the cattle and livestock. I had a lot of work to finish; I have no idea how I managed all of it. It was windy outside.

  In the afternoon, I went to mountain area with my daddy, because we needed to transfer some household supplies to our autumn camp. On the way, we also let our eagle fly and have some food.

  Watching the eagle always gives me courage and energy. I like to spend more time with my eagle.

  April 29, 2019

  Today I also got up at 8:00 a.m. After breakfast I went to my school. Our lessons start at 8:30 a.m. and go to 2:30 p.m. I like to learn and spend my time with my friends. After lessons, we went to the dormitory and had lunch together. I did my homework. Then I read a book in my free time. I like reading interesting books. Then I had dinner at 7:00 p.m. Today’s weather was warm and clear.

  Thank you to Source of Steppe Nomads NGO for connecting me with Sattigul.

  Shanai

  18 years old

  Bayonne, New Jersey, United States of America

  Tell us about your friends.

  I have three and a half friends: Darljit, Hannah, Angel, and Yam
ali. Darljit I’ve known since 6th grade and we don’t see each other often at all but we text almost every day, if not every day. She is probably my best friend because she knows my biggest thing is that I want to be listened to and feel heard and she is always there just for that. She’s kind of like a yes-man, she’s always supporting me and telling me how proud she is of me or happy she is for me, which I don’t think I could’ve survived without. Hannah and I have been friends since sophomore year. I met Angel in an acting / social justice program that honestly felt like group therapy up until we finally put on a show. Yamali is the half because although I fully value her as a friend, she likes to keep her distance. We met in 6th grade—she, Darljit, and I were all friends and in the same classes. Yamali and I have hung out outside of school and I know her family, she’s met some of mine, and to this day I go to her house sometimes because I know I’m always welcome.

  What do you like doing outside of school?

  Outside of school, I love being in spaces to write and do open mics. And dance and DJ and chill and share my thoughts freely. I also love walking in the night; it makes me feel free and when no one else is out everything feels so still. I love looking at the sky and seeing stars or the moon. It feels beautiful. I also really love eating, anything with bread or carbs in general, that’s the way to my heart.

  Who’s your favorite author?

  I’m going to college for creative writing with the aim to provide my readers with content that is not only entertaining but also thought-provoking. My favorite author is James Baldwin because his work does that so well. I just also want to be able to give even those who aren’t avid readers a chance to appreciate the power of words and telling stories.

  This is how Shanai describes herself: “Shanai is a black girl from the Bronx.”

  But there’s more, of course.

  Shanai is one of seven siblings, although none share both parents with her. She has a rocky relationship with her mother, a payroll clerk for PATH, a transit system that runs between New Jersey and New York City; and she is close to her father.

  “Family means a lot to me, especially because I used to live in a house of seven and my family split up sometime after my fifth-grade graduation,” Shanai says. “It broke my heart, and I’m still recovering.”

  Even though she now lives in Bayonne, New Jersey—right across the river from New York City—she grew up in the Bronx and claims the bustling and diverse NYC as her home. The city houses more than eight million people, including many who have lived there for generations and immigrants who have arrived from around the world. In fact, as many as eight hundred languages are spoken in New York City.103

  Shanai’s favorite classes in school have always been those that involve writing. “Writing is the only thing that allows me to be my true self. When I write, it’s like my soul is speaking,” she says. “And because of that I’m going to college for creative writing with the aim to provide my readers with content that is not only entertaining but thought-provoking.”

  Her life is rich, busy, and diverse: in addition to attending school, she interns at a nonprofit, spends time with her friends, writes poetry, dances, DJs, goes to open mics . . . The list is long.

  Shanai is fiercely bright, thoughtful, ambitious, and talented. And she has big dreams for what her life will hold. “My future is going to be filled with writing and children. I am going to be a bestselling author,” she says definitively. ◊

  In the diary entries she shared, Shanai writes a lot about a boy she likes: from falling for him to their breakup. When she first shared her diary entries with me, she was worried about writing so much about a boy. This is how girls and women are often portrayed in books, movies, and other pop culture—they are defined only or primarily in the context of boys and men who are their romantic interests.

  American cartoonist Alison Bechdel came up with a test to measure the impact of this phenomenon. For a film to pass the Bechdel test, it would have to have the following:

  1. More than two women characters

  2. Who talk to each other

  3. About something other than a man.

  Less than half of all movies that have won an Oscar for best picture pass the test.104

  In this context, Shanai’s concern makes sense—just because she writes about a boy, it doesn’t mean that he is the only thing, or the defining thing, in her life. But their relationship was a big part of her life at the time, which is why she decided to share her thoughts about it.

  In fact, according to Deborah Welsh, a professor of psychology at the University of Tennessee, Knoxville, who studies teenagers’ and young adults’ romantic relationships, our romantic relationships in our teenage years are an important way for us to understand ourselves. She says they serve a purpose that is “like holding up a mirror.”

  When Welsh studied how teens acted in relationships, she found that they saw themselves in their partner, “so it was like a mirror to say, ‘Who am I? What kind of person am I?’ ” ◊

  October 19, 2018

  I feel really good right now & very loving.

  I love my boyfriend.

  He is so sweet.

  His cheeks are so fat.

  He kind of reminds me of a kid.

  I love when he’s sleeping.

  I love when he’s half asleep or just waking up. I love how his eyes look. I love his forehead. I love his widow’s peak. I love that if I look @ him @ a certain angle I can see him how he looked as a kid.

  When he was funny looking and ugly-cute.

  Not ugly ugly. He’s never been that. His face was just interesting and adorable. I miss my baby. I want to feel his warm hands. I want to see his eyes. His eyes panic when I’m not smiling. I love his smile; sometimes I smile just so I can see his. Sometimes I stare @ him not smiling and his smile fades and I watch it. It makes me so sad. I love it when he’s smiling. I just wish I made him smile more. I don’t think I am a very good girlfriend sometimes. I do want to go to therapy because there are a lot of things I seek out from Brian that he won’t be able to satisfy me to the degree that I need and I know the person I really need to seek things from is myself. I love my boyfriend. I hope we do stay together, forever.

  I hope college helps us grow individually but not apart. I hope we both stay faithful. I hope I stop having too many overwhelming thoughts at once. I just want to enjoy my baby. My sweet boy.

  October 22 2018

  I’m scared I’m outgrowing my boyfriend. I love him like a mother loves her child, or should. He asked me if I thought I was losing feelings for him. And I said no because I didn’t want to think so or say yes. And I said no because I didn’t think so. And I still don’t. I am scared I am outgrowing my boyfriend. I am scared I am not ready for his love. Or I am too much for his love. Or not enough for his love. I am scared I don’t deserve his love. I’m in my thoughts about girls and females and the feeling that I am or could be missing out on something. I’m scared that these thoughts could be more than thoughts or want to be more than thoughts. I’m scared that in college we won’t be able to grow individually and simultaneously so that we still love each other as much and more and are ready to be together when there’s less constraints and circumstances. I’m scared that I want to stop this beautiful love in hopes of picking it back up later. I’m scared because I know things won’t work like that. I’m scared I’m asking for too much. I’m scared that I’m going to lose what I love.

  Why is this not enough?

  February 23, 2019

  This would’ve made 10 months if he didn’t break up with me last night.

  Is he still responsible for the breakup if I suggested it?

  It’s easy to just blame everything on myself. Being that I am depressed officially. You kind of just know. And I know talking bad about myself won’t help me. Since I’m all I have after all.

  I wish I could’ve bee
n better @ explaining things. I wish I had a true lesson in Emotional Maturity 101. I learn as I go. Maybe that’s why I’m getting better @ admitting when I’m wrong or trying to understand others’ feelings.

  I’m grateful for my family.

  I love them very much.

  I’m grateful for my body.

  She may not have eaten

  But she’s still holding up. *

  Such a sweet pretty girl. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. I love me. It’s okay to be sad sometimes. It’s okay, baby.

  March 24, 2019

  Yoo OMG today was such a good day.

  I hung out w/ Hannah and Darljit.

  Got some beautiful pics. We got great ice cream. The weather was cute we were cute. And that’s the first thing I’m grateful for because I haven’t had an all around good celebration of my bday inna min. And this was really reassuring. That all things shall pass.

  2nd I’ll give to Tasha. I am so grateful I get to not only be out of my crib this weekend but still shower / do my hair / live laugh and be loved.

  3rd is Jhanique.

  I might be downplaying how much I like her? IDK. I don’t want to get attached I’m let her be my girl but like IDK I don’t want to pull a Brian. I don’t think I am anyway. I mean we’ll see I guess.

  But I’m not a scumbag like some people . . . Idk what I’m downplaying or upplaying or playing but I’m glad we’re being us. I just want things to be alright.

  4th Daddy

  I’m grateful daddy supports me though he can’t be physically present. He frets over my emotions, health, and financial situations. I’m very appreciative of him.